Well, I did it. I decided to reach out and admit defeat. Well, partial defeat. I could feel my level of anxiety and depression increasing and my ability to cope was decreasing. Rather than let the CRAPPY feeling continue without a fight, I called a therapist and made an appointment.
I don't really think that going to therapy is defeat. I work in the behavioral health field for crying out loud. For me though, I felt like I didn't want to admit I couldn't deal with it alone. The problem was, it wasn't just my Dad's death. It has become an inability to deal with the person my Mom has become and not being able to help her cope/deal/mourn/live. I also work full time, am a wife and a mother and want to do it ALL and do it well.
I noticed things were getting bad when I would feel so anxious on Sunday evenings about having to go to work and thinking SERIOUSLY about quitting my good paying job. I have always loved working and have loved being a productive, working member of society. I enjoyed working after becoming a Mom and have always wanted to continue. So, feeling like work was a noose around my neck was scary to me. I then recognized that I could feel the anxiety a lot more than I wanted to believe. It's not a scared or nervous feeling as much as it is a pit in my stomach. It's an inability to get a full and deep breath.
My first appointment was full of Ah Ha moments! At one point the therapist said to me, "Have you ever been depressed." I replied No, of course not. She said, "You are depressed now". Oh. Oh, I see. I guess you're right. I am. Ahhhhhh!!
The therapist recommended medication for the anxiety and I politely declined that entry on any service plan. See, I took valium once and I absolutely adored it. I mean, hold hands and skip through the park in love - adored it! I come from a family who tends to over imbibe in substances and I don't want to take that path. I have a fear that I would grow to need that medication more than I should. So, I made a deal to take some homeopathic medication, try some methods to relax (yoga, reiki are two of my ideas) and continue talk therapy.
So, I have made a committment to myself to work through this and accept some help! I feel better about having relinquished some of the control and allowing someone to help me. I look forward to the journey of wellness.
