I have written half a dozen blog posts in my head in the last month or so but none of them have made it past that initial stage in my head. There are so many things I want to share but am not sure I really want to put it out there. So for today I'll focus on the "holiday season" without my Dad.
I love the holidays. I LOVE Thanksgiving. I miss my Dad. I know it will be hard for me to be around all of my family and know something is missing. One of the other wrenches (so to speak) is that this is such an amazing and fun time with Christian. He has his eyes wide open to so many new things and three years old is just so much fun. I don't want anything to mar this holiday for him and it is my responsibility to pull it together for him so that doesn't happen.
Holidays are a big deal in my family. For Thanksgiving we still spend it with my extended family and there are so many people who are there with us. All of my aunts, uncles and cousins and even some stragglers who have no where else to go. For Christmas my parents always did a big dinner on Christmas Eve and we opened our presents. It is one of my favorite nights of the year. I will miss my Dad every day between now and that night and beyond.
Finding the balance between grief and joy is always a problem for me. Feeling in one moment like my life is so blessed and then feeling the pain and loss of my Dad being gone just feels so odd to me. How will I ever become comfortable with that?
