Laughter

Laughter

Friday, October 21, 2011

My final words

I haven't shared the words of my eulogy on here and really wanted to do so.  I adore the life I had with my Dad and could have written pages and pages about what he did for me from the time of my birth to the time of his death.  I narrowed it down to a few key points. 


My Dad never met a stranger. If you were a friend of a friend – you were his friend.  If you were his friend, you belonged in his family.  He didn’t have the best example of how to be a family or how to be a father but even without that example, he was the most amazing Dad I could have hoped for.  The one thing we all wanted to get across about him was that his family was his life and his life was his family.
I could tell you a thousand stories about my Dad and examples of how he loved us.  He was our soccer coach and our softball coach.  He served on our school board, voted in a by a church he wasn’t even qualified to be a member of.  He drove us to swim lessons, tennis lessons and school.  He brushed our hair and put it in ponytails.  He chaperoned our school dances and field trips.  He knew our friends and their parents.  He would be the first to push us harder or console us if we lost.  He buried us in the sand at the beach and drug us around Disneyland, even when he wasn’t feeling well.  He encouraged us to dream about our future and then helped us come up with a plan to achieve that dream.  He stood beside us during the most important days of our lives.  He held our children and became to them a Grandfather who, if possible, loved them as much as we do.  He told us constantly how proud he was of us, how much he loved us and how important family was. At this time, more than any other, I know how much those lessons mean to me. 
My Dad’s generous spirit was his most amazing quality.  He would give you the moon if he thought you needed it.  He gave to me more than I can ever thank him for.  “Whatever you need.” That was his favorite thing to say.  He never put limits on his generosity, even when he should have. I hope he knew how much his generosity was appreciated.  I remember a few years ago I started a new job and was so anxious about what I would do at lunch time because I didn’t know anyone.  For three days in a row he drove to my office and met me for lunch.  He never questioned why I was so nervous or told me I was being ridiculous.  He just came when I called and told me he’d keep doing it for as long as I needed. 
Years ago my Mom made a cross stitch that said something like this, “Parents who are lucky in their children, have children who are lucky in their parents.”  Today I smile because I am one of the three luckiest people in this room.  I cry because the man that made me feel so lucky, is now gone.  Bobby, Heather and I are so blessed to be able to say that we were raised by a man who adored us and truly enjoyed us.  It’s no secret to most that I am my Father’s daughter.  He and I share the same sense of humor and the same ability to talk the ear off of a deaf man.  I hope and pray I also am as compassionate, kind and selfless as he was.  The greatest lessons I ever learned, I learned from him.  The greatest gift I can give my Dad now is to take all of these lessons and make him proud.  I promise you Dad, I will make you proud.  I will miss you as long as I live. 

Saturday, October 15, 2011

floating back in

It's been a while since my last entry in my blog.  It's not that I don't have anything to write about.  It's actually that I have too much and don't know where to start.  So much has happened the last couple of months, some good and some bad.  I'll save the specifics for specific posts because it really just is too much to summarize in one post.  Rest assured, I'll get to it all!

Lately I feel like I've been hanging on to a lot of anger and sadness.  I am the kind of person who hates to hold a grudge but also can't resolve my own feelings and pain.  It's a tough thing to balance.  I am certainly not in favor of doing it my way, I just don't know how to let it all go, forgive and forget. 

When my Dad died we had so many amazing people step up to help us out.  As soon as my extended family found out he died, they came running.  We weren't at my parents house for more than 30 minutes before my aunts, uncles and cousins came to be with us.  It wasn't long before my parents close friends joined us as well. For hours these people sat by us as we waited for the funeral home to come to pick up my Dad.  They paced with us, cried with us and supported us. 

In the days after my Dad died my Mom's house was overflowing with activity.  We received flowers, cards, visitors and more support.  There were phone calls with inquiries to help and so much support came to us from those we love.  We were so blessed to have those people stand beside us during those very difficult days.  I wish I could only focus on those people.

What I can't stop thinking about it the two people in my family that have still, to this day not said one word in regards to my Dad's death.  I have two cousins who have not even reached out to say they were sorry my Dad died.  Neither attended his funeral, one lives out of state and obviously couldn't attend.  The other never called or responded to my calls so I don't know why she didn't come to the funeral.

I kept thinking that we'd here from them and to some extent I still think that.  I think it's crazy that they can't see how much this would hurt us to not have them reach out.  It's astonishing to think that my Dad meant so little to them.  I know people will say that sometimes people don't know what to say or what to do.  My argument is this - that is fucking ridiculous!  You say SOMETHING.  You don't say nothing.  You don't ignore the situation.  It's ridiculous to think that you wouldn't send a card, make a call or send a TEXT message for crying in the night.  Even before this happened to me I knew that.

I want to be able to move past this but for me it's hard.  I just don't think I'll ever be able to look at the two of them the same.  I'll never be able to trust them with my feelings or my friendship.  What I really want might not happen.  I really want them to tell me they are sorry for my pain and that they feel the loss as well.  I won't expect that will happen, now or ever.

Ultimately we received so much love from people during this difficult time.  It still continues to pour in.  I still have people ask me how I am doing and have people reach out to support me.  I am so blessed.  I don't want to focus on those that didn't do anything when I can focus on all of those that did so much.