I write this blog with the evening news playing in the background, dinner in the oven and my son reading to himself on the couch. We are all still damp from our afternoon dip in our backyard pool. Life feels OK right now.
While we floated in the pool this afternoon, the sun beating down on us, I felt so complete and at peace. At one point my husband and I were holding my son who had his head laid alternately on my shoulder and then my husbands. I thought, "these are the best days of my life'. Then I thought that seems so weird. How can I feel so at peace in one moment and so depressed and lost in the next.
I recognize that feelings are not mutually exclusive. I can feel all of these and feel them completely and fully. It feels wild to me though to feel like I'd never want to be anywhere else and then want to close my eyes and turn back the clock. The horrible thing is, if I go back I lose and gain so much. And you can't go back anyway... right??
Laughter
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Father's Day
Today is the first Father's Day I cannot call my Dad to say Happy Father's Day. I threw it out there in the universe this morning, hoping he heard me or felt me. I feel a bit sad and very nostalgic today. I am remembering all of the things that made my Dad so very special to me.
My Dad was hilarious. So funny. I always felt like he was the funniest person I knew. He had the quickest wit and a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor. I like to think I get my sense of humor from him. He and I were for sure, the most alike. I can remember being a little girl and laughing so hard and some of my Dad's jokes. I felt so proud to have a funny man for my Dad.
My Dad was not your typical Dad. When I was growing up and went to my houses of friends, there Dad's were so different from mine. My Dad cooked, cleaned, did laundry and all of the other things that weren't typical "Dad" duties. I didn't grow up in a house that followed the typical gender roles. My parents both worked and both took care of the house responsibilities. They also both took equal responsibility of us kids.
My Dad was a PROUD Father of his three kids. He never missed a sporting event or school event if he could help it. When we were older he worked in sales and worked into the evenings but he tried really hard, even then, to come to our games or school events. If he couldn't make it he always asked about it and told us how proud he was of us. He was out of work when my sister was playing volleyball in her senior year. He went to every game and video taped them all. He was so proud of her!! He bragged about us to other people, just loud enough so we could hear him!
My Dad was a devoted Grandfather to all of our children. From my niece, who is nineteen to the newest Brown baby, Caleb, my Dad was so excited about all of his Grandkids! He held them, rocked them, played with them, talked to them and loved them. In the last year he wasn't working and went to so many of my nephew Robert's football, basketball and baseball games. He helped my Brother with my nephew Jacob's basketball team and tried to spend time with all of the other kids. His eyes would light up when the kids entered the room.
My Dad wanted to help all of us make our lives easier. When my husband and I moved into our house after we returned to Arizona, we started some renovations. My Dad offered to be here daily to help oversee the operation while we worked. He also did some of the work for us and coordinated many of our efforts in making our new house our home. He helped with everything from painting to pulling up tile to staying on top of our crew installing the new tile in our house. We couldn't have done it without him!!
My Dad had high expectations of us and wanted us to be productive adults. He pushed us hard when we were growing up. He always expected we'd give 100% to whatever we did - and we tried. He was plugged into our lives enough that he knew what was expected at school and we couldn't really bull shit him. He attended parent teacher conferences and signed report cards. There was never a "wait until your Father hears this" because he always seemed to know already!!
My Dad was an amazing Dad and I miss him terribly.
My Dad was hilarious. So funny. I always felt like he was the funniest person I knew. He had the quickest wit and a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor. I like to think I get my sense of humor from him. He and I were for sure, the most alike. I can remember being a little girl and laughing so hard and some of my Dad's jokes. I felt so proud to have a funny man for my Dad.
My Dad was not your typical Dad. When I was growing up and went to my houses of friends, there Dad's were so different from mine. My Dad cooked, cleaned, did laundry and all of the other things that weren't typical "Dad" duties. I didn't grow up in a house that followed the typical gender roles. My parents both worked and both took care of the house responsibilities. They also both took equal responsibility of us kids.
My Dad was a PROUD Father of his three kids. He never missed a sporting event or school event if he could help it. When we were older he worked in sales and worked into the evenings but he tried really hard, even then, to come to our games or school events. If he couldn't make it he always asked about it and told us how proud he was of us. He was out of work when my sister was playing volleyball in her senior year. He went to every game and video taped them all. He was so proud of her!! He bragged about us to other people, just loud enough so we could hear him!
My Dad was a devoted Grandfather to all of our children. From my niece, who is nineteen to the newest Brown baby, Caleb, my Dad was so excited about all of his Grandkids! He held them, rocked them, played with them, talked to them and loved them. In the last year he wasn't working and went to so many of my nephew Robert's football, basketball and baseball games. He helped my Brother with my nephew Jacob's basketball team and tried to spend time with all of the other kids. His eyes would light up when the kids entered the room.
My Dad wanted to help all of us make our lives easier. When my husband and I moved into our house after we returned to Arizona, we started some renovations. My Dad offered to be here daily to help oversee the operation while we worked. He also did some of the work for us and coordinated many of our efforts in making our new house our home. He helped with everything from painting to pulling up tile to staying on top of our crew installing the new tile in our house. We couldn't have done it without him!!
My Dad had high expectations of us and wanted us to be productive adults. He pushed us hard when we were growing up. He always expected we'd give 100% to whatever we did - and we tried. He was plugged into our lives enough that he knew what was expected at school and we couldn't really bull shit him. He attended parent teacher conferences and signed report cards. There was never a "wait until your Father hears this" because he always seemed to know already!!
My Dad was an amazing Dad and I miss him terribly.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
All better?
My husband, son and I recently returned from a trip to Orlando, FL. This was our first REAL family vacation. It was the first real vacation my husband and I took in almost four years. In the last four years all of our time and money brought us to Arizona from PA to visit with family. As nice as that was, I missed taking trips where we have no obligations and can just have fun!!
This trip was certainly fun. We took our son to Sea World, Kennedy Space Center and Cocoa Beach. We also swam in the resort pools and enjoyed some quiet and relaxing moments. It was awesome to see my son run all over these places in awe of what he was seeing. He was such a good boy the whole week and was pretty well behaved. All in all, it was a great time and so nice to get away.
The thing is, I put all my eggs in this vacation basket. I created this expectation in my mind that this trip was that which was going to heal my broken heart. Surely I'd feel much better when I returned. Well, I do feel better. I feel well rested and a bit lighter. The problem is, my heart is still broken. Hindsight being what it is, I get it. I can't believe I thought it would do all that. My Dad is still gone and I'm still sad. I still feel so broken and anxious about the future.
I try so hard to think of what happened to my family and to my Dad in really common sense ways. He died. People die. I'm 37, not seven! I had my Dad for years. Then I remember he was only 59 and died all alone and didn't have to go so young. I can't reconcile these. I think it's time for me to consider reaching out to someone to process all of this. I'm not sure I want to but I spend so many days feeling so sad and I just can't imagine this continuing.
We have a plan to take my son to the beach at the end of the summer. I'm going to look forward to that for what it is; a week at the beach!
This trip was certainly fun. We took our son to Sea World, Kennedy Space Center and Cocoa Beach. We also swam in the resort pools and enjoyed some quiet and relaxing moments. It was awesome to see my son run all over these places in awe of what he was seeing. He was such a good boy the whole week and was pretty well behaved. All in all, it was a great time and so nice to get away.
The thing is, I put all my eggs in this vacation basket. I created this expectation in my mind that this trip was that which was going to heal my broken heart. Surely I'd feel much better when I returned. Well, I do feel better. I feel well rested and a bit lighter. The problem is, my heart is still broken. Hindsight being what it is, I get it. I can't believe I thought it would do all that. My Dad is still gone and I'm still sad. I still feel so broken and anxious about the future.
I try so hard to think of what happened to my family and to my Dad in really common sense ways. He died. People die. I'm 37, not seven! I had my Dad for years. Then I remember he was only 59 and died all alone and didn't have to go so young. I can't reconcile these. I think it's time for me to consider reaching out to someone to process all of this. I'm not sure I want to but I spend so many days feeling so sad and I just can't imagine this continuing.
We have a plan to take my son to the beach at the end of the summer. I'm going to look forward to that for what it is; a week at the beach!
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