Lessons I've learned

In the nine weeks and two days since my Dad died (who's counting, right?) I've learned many lessons.  Some I'm grateful for and some not so grateful for.  I won't break them all down right here but rest assured, most of them will come out in future blogs. 

The one lesson that is slowly taking form is that not everything is black and white. Where there is grief and sadness there is so much gray.  You hear people say all the time, "don't fight with so and so, time is precious" or "be careful what you do/say/feel because life is short".  The problem is, our relationships aren't so easily defined. 

The ups and downs we go through with those we love are what actually forms the relationships.  The fights I had with my Dad made the love we shared so much more real.  It was only in our struggle to please each other or set boundaries that we learned to communicate.  If we'd never screamed and yelled at each other we'd never have known that it hurts to hurt someone you love. If I never though to myself "he doesn't understand me" then I'd never have known how much he struggled to understand me.  I mean, who understands teenage girls anyway??

My point is, I can't bring back those moments we were upset with each other and I can't take back the times I told him how angry I was with him.  The great thing is, I can relish in the moments he told me he was proud of me or loved me or wanted more for me.  If my Dad was here right now, I wouldn't waste time focusing on the negatives so why spend time after his death thinking about those things? 

I try to live my life without regrets and realize that the negative things shape my character just like the positive.  I don't ask for many do overs.  This one is hard.  I'd pretty much do anything to have my Dad here with me.  If I thought it possible, I'd bargain with God and make a deal no one could refuse.  I know that his death will be a monumental moment in my life that will make me stronger.  It's just hard to see that through the tears.  What I won't do is kick myself for having ever told him I was angry or he didn't understand me.  Those were necessary and it's OK.  You really can't go back but you also don't need to go back!

Divine Intervention

Recently I went to Las Vegas with my very good friend for a weekend of relaxation and fun.  Right before I left on my trip I had a conversation with my Mom.  My Mom was in a really bad place and very tearful on the phone.  Although she called again the next morning to tell me to have fun and tell me she loved me, I still left very worried about her and hoping/praying she’d be OK.  As much as I tried, I carried a bit of that worry with me through the weekend.  

On our last night in Vegas we sat in the hot tub having a drink and were joined by two older women.  They asked us where we were from and we shared just a bit of our back story.  You know, two stressed out women who need a weekend of debauchery in Vegas… that story!  The ladies then shared with us their story.  It was a bit different than ours.  They have been friends for years.  Both are widowed and enjoy traveling together.  They told us about their trip and the activities they’d done while in Las Vegas.  I told them both how nice it was to see how active they are and how their lives are so full and rich.  I told them that six weeks before my Dad died and how worried I was about my Mom and hoped for her what they seem to have.  

Then… here comes the divine intervention… They both shared with me that they were widowed at 54 and 58 and felt much the same as my Mom.  One of the ladies said that her husband was my Dad’s age and she my Mom’s age when he died. They both got out of the hot tub and one of the women turned towards me and said “Honey, you tell your Mom that everything will be OK.  She’s going to be just fine. Tell her to stay active and surround herself with friends”.  They then walked away.  

As I watched those two angels walk away I got teary eyed.  I looked at my friend and said “that was divine intervention.  Those ladies were meant to meet us here tonight to deliver me that message.”  I have a true belief in a higher power.  Let’s not beat around the bush… I believe in one God and believe that He holds me in his hand during the crappy time.  Anyway… I’ve prayed daily for proof of two things, that my Dad is OK and that we are going to be OK.  I get little bits of peace here and there but it doesn’t ever really seem to be enough.  On this night, it felt like peace to me. 

Those that come calling and those that GO running!

It's been interesting for me to see how my friends have responded to my Dad's death.  There are some who are very supportive and call/e-mail/text quite often or on a regular basis to see how I am or if I need anything.  Some of these people are friends I've had for years and some I haven't seen in years.  Some are friends I am close with and some that I know in passing.  Really, it's interesting, there is no rhyme or reason.  It's nice to hear from people I haven't heard from in a while. It was surprising to receive cards from people I've not been in contact with for a while.  It was so touching!

The flip side of the coin is those that I really thought would be supportive and I don't hear from.  Even friends I consider to be close friends who don't call/e-mail/text ever.  Friends with whom I've shared many experiences and emotions with over the years of our friendships.  Friends I assumed I could always count on.  It's not that I don't feel like I can "count" on those friends but it sure does change my perspective.

Someone told me that people just don't know how to respond so some do nothing while some do everything.  I guess I could understand that.  I mean, until my Dad died, I had NO idea what it felt like to lose a parent.  Or to feel such pain.  BUT... I knew it hurt and I knew that I had to do something for friends who had lost parents and unfortunately I have quite a few friends who have lost parents.  I might not have always done the right thing but I always did something. 

I'm trying not to be ungrateful or rude but I think it's just slightly confusing for me.  I know that until you experience this you'll never know the depth of the pain.  It has changed my perspective and I will, in the future, respond in a much different way for having been through this. 

I am grateful for all of my friends and family.  Sure there are some that I wish had stepped up.  There are some that I wish had said something/anything and didn't.  The truth is while it's mostly about me, I also feel like it reflects on my Dad too and that breaks my heart.  My Dad who would do anything for anyone.  My Dad who spent his life trying to make people happy.  I wish I could separate these feelings but I'm not sure I'm there... yet.