Better?

It's been a while since I've felt the urge to blog.  Maybe I feel better?  Probably a bit but more than that, it's just been hard to put into words how I feel.  Lately I feel like the hardest thing I do is balance my own grief with the grief my Mom feels. 

My parents were married for 40 years.  My Mom was only 18 when they got married.  She has never really lived without my Dad.  The marriage they had was no where near perfect but it really was a true partnership.  In the 40 years they were married, my Mom never had to make a decision by herself.  Now, there are several big decisions she needs to make and this paralyzes her.  She needs the help of myself and my siblings.  We are more than willing to help.  We want my Mom to be happy and find some peace in her life. 

When my Mom calls me in tears I immediately feel sick to my stomach and the sadness falls over me.  I begin to worry so much about her and whether or not she'll ever feel joy in her life.  I know some will say I have to not worry so much but it is impossible.  Part of dealing with the death of a loved one is hoping everyone comes out on the other side with peace.  It's not just about me, it's about us. 

The goal for me is learning how to comfort and support my Mom while still comforting myself.  It's a constant battle and it's one I rarely win.  I will keep trying and keep striving to be supportive while still taking time to take care of myself.  I'm actually considering some therapy.  I tried a psychic (story for another day) and realized it might be good for me to spend some time talking about how I feel.  It's important for me to honor the memory of my Dad by being a good mother, wife, daughter, sister and aunt.