It's been a while since my last entry in my blog. It's not that I don't have anything to write about. It's actually that I have too much and don't know where to start. So much has happened the last couple of months, some good and some bad. I'll save the specifics for specific posts because it really just is too much to summarize in one post. Rest assured, I'll get to it all!
Lately I feel like I've been hanging on to a lot of anger and sadness. I am the kind of person who hates to hold a grudge but also can't resolve my own feelings and pain. It's a tough thing to balance. I am certainly not in favor of doing it my way, I just don't know how to let it all go, forgive and forget.
When my Dad died we had so many amazing people step up to help us out. As soon as my extended family found out he died, they came running. We weren't at my parents house for more than 30 minutes before my aunts, uncles and cousins came to be with us. It wasn't long before my parents close friends joined us as well. For hours these people sat by us as we waited for the funeral home to come to pick up my Dad. They paced with us, cried with us and supported us.
In the days after my Dad died my Mom's house was overflowing with activity. We received flowers, cards, visitors and more support. There were phone calls with inquiries to help and so much support came to us from those we love. We were so blessed to have those people stand beside us during those very difficult days. I wish I could only focus on those people.
What I can't stop thinking about it the two people in my family that have still, to this day not said one word in regards to my Dad's death. I have two cousins who have not even reached out to say they were sorry my Dad died. Neither attended his funeral, one lives out of state and obviously couldn't attend. The other never called or responded to my calls so I don't know why she didn't come to the funeral.
I kept thinking that we'd here from them and to some extent I still think that. I think it's crazy that they can't see how much this would hurt us to not have them reach out. It's astonishing to think that my Dad meant so little to them. I know people will say that sometimes people don't know what to say or what to do. My argument is this - that is fucking ridiculous! You say SOMETHING. You don't say nothing. You don't ignore the situation. It's ridiculous to think that you wouldn't send a card, make a call or send a TEXT message for crying in the night. Even before this happened to me I knew that.
I want to be able to move past this but for me it's hard. I just don't think I'll ever be able to look at the two of them the same. I'll never be able to trust them with my feelings or my friendship. What I really want might not happen. I really want them to tell me they are sorry for my pain and that they feel the loss as well. I won't expect that will happen, now or ever.
Ultimately we received so much love from people during this difficult time. It still continues to pour in. I still have people ask me how I am doing and have people reach out to support me. I am so blessed. I don't want to focus on those that didn't do anything when I can focus on all of those that did so much.
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