Lessons I've learned

In the nine weeks and two days since my Dad died (who's counting, right?) I've learned many lessons.  Some I'm grateful for and some not so grateful for.  I won't break them all down right here but rest assured, most of them will come out in future blogs. 

The one lesson that is slowly taking form is that not everything is black and white. Where there is grief and sadness there is so much gray.  You hear people say all the time, "don't fight with so and so, time is precious" or "be careful what you do/say/feel because life is short".  The problem is, our relationships aren't so easily defined. 

The ups and downs we go through with those we love are what actually forms the relationships.  The fights I had with my Dad made the love we shared so much more real.  It was only in our struggle to please each other or set boundaries that we learned to communicate.  If we'd never screamed and yelled at each other we'd never have known that it hurts to hurt someone you love. If I never though to myself "he doesn't understand me" then I'd never have known how much he struggled to understand me.  I mean, who understands teenage girls anyway??

My point is, I can't bring back those moments we were upset with each other and I can't take back the times I told him how angry I was with him.  The great thing is, I can relish in the moments he told me he was proud of me or loved me or wanted more for me.  If my Dad was here right now, I wouldn't waste time focusing on the negatives so why spend time after his death thinking about those things? 

I try to live my life without regrets and realize that the negative things shape my character just like the positive.  I don't ask for many do overs.  This one is hard.  I'd pretty much do anything to have my Dad here with me.  If I thought it possible, I'd bargain with God and make a deal no one could refuse.  I know that his death will be a monumental moment in my life that will make me stronger.  It's just hard to see that through the tears.  What I won't do is kick myself for having ever told him I was angry or he didn't understand me.  Those were necessary and it's OK.  You really can't go back but you also don't need to go back!