All better?

My husband, son and I recently returned from a trip to Orlando, FL.  This was our first REAL family vacation.  It was the first real vacation my husband and I took in almost four years.  In the last four years all of our time and money brought us to Arizona from PA to visit with family.  As nice as that was, I missed taking trips where we have no obligations and can just have fun!! 

This trip was certainly fun.  We took our son to Sea World, Kennedy Space Center and Cocoa Beach.  We also swam in the resort pools and enjoyed some quiet and relaxing moments.  It was awesome to see my son run all over these places in awe of what he was seeing.  He was such a good boy the whole week and was pretty well behaved.  All in all, it was a great time and so nice to get away. 

The thing is, I put all my eggs in this vacation basket.  I created this expectation in my mind that this trip was that which was going to heal my broken heart.  Surely I'd feel much better when I returned.  Well, I do feel better.  I feel well rested and a bit lighter.  The problem is, my heart is still broken.  Hindsight being what it is, I get it.  I can't believe I thought it would do all that.  My Dad is still gone and I'm still sad.  I still feel so broken and anxious about the future. 

I try so hard to think of what happened to my family and to my Dad in really common sense ways.  He died.  People die.  I'm 37, not seven!  I had my Dad for years.  Then I remember he was only 59 and died all alone and didn't have to go so young.  I can't reconcile these.  I think it's time for me to consider reaching out to someone to process all of this.  I'm not sure I want to but I spend so many days feeling so sad and I just can't imagine this continuing. 

We have a plan to take my son to the beach at the end of the summer.  I'm going to look forward to that for what it is; a week at the beach!