The funeral

My Dad died on a Saturday but we didn't do his funeral until Thursday.  This was hard for my Mom but Wednesday was his birthday and none of us wanted to have his funeral on his birthday.  So... we waited until Thursday.  

We made the decision to have him cremated but we wanted to have a viewing as a part of the service and luckily we were able to do that.  We also wanted to do a service late enough in the afternoon so people wouldn't be inconvenienced with it being a work day.  Lastly, we wanted to have a lot of say in the service itself.  We wanted to pick the readings, pick eulogists and have our own music.  We were able to do all of that.

My Dad raised us all Catholic but he was not Catholic, having never converted even after having been married in the church.  Many times during his life he had talked about wanting to possibly be baptized but he never did it.  In the last ten years or so he lost interest in that and his desires changed.  Not a one of us pushed him or made him feel like he had to do that but it did make it interesting when thinking about how we would do his service.  A Catholic priest will not come to a funeral home to perform a service for a non Catholic person.  A deacon will come, but not a priest  My sister in law is a teacher at an Episcopalian school and the priest at that school very graciously offered to perform the service for us.

The day of the funeral I felt very out of sorts.  I was so anxious and felt like I was going to jump out of my skin.  As much as I wanted it to be OVER already, I wasn't prepared for it all to end.  I'm sure that makes sense to those of you who have been through something like this and to the rest of you I am sure it's confusing and backwards!  This being over would only mean he was really gone and not coming back.  I wasn't sure I could deal with that.  I'm still not sure I can deal with that to be honest.

My husband and I picked my Mom up to bring her with us to the funeral home.  She was, obviously, very nervous and upset.  It was like a comedy all of us trying to soothe and comfort the other when we were so upset too!  As we got into the car my Mom said "I don't want to do this".  All I could do was cry and agree.  i don't want to either.  I really don't.

Arriving at the funeral home my stomach was in knots.  Lying in a coffin, behind those doors was my Father.  A site I never thought I would see like this and a site I had no desire to see today.  My Mom made it clear to my siblings and I that she wanted us all to be with my Dad in the chapel during the entire service.  She wanted us to greet people in the chapel and stand together.  We agreed we would not leave him, or her, for the entire service.  We had all agreed to show up 30 minutes prior to the viewing to have some time alone and to prepare for the service.

As we walked into the chapel I could see him.  My Father.  Lying in a coffin.  Looking so very much like he always did.  I'm not sure if that is a good or a bad thing.  I wanted him to "look like him" but it was so hard because I wanted to scream and shout at him to get the FUCK UP!!  Sorry.  I just was shocked in seeing him there that he was gone.  The shock of it all hits me to this day.  It's not easy.

We began to accept people into the chapel at 4 p.m. and were so glad to see so many people come to say goodbye to my Dad and to comfort those of us he left behind.  My Mom was heartbroken and had such a difficult time in standing with us.  While she made such a deal about us all being together, she couldn't handle it.  I have to say, it was my pleasure to do this for my Mom.  I wanted nothing more than for her to be OK and didn't want her to force herself to do anything she couldn't do.

During the service we had lovely music with songs my Dad enjoyed hearing when we went to Mass.  We chose readings that we thought really spoke to how we felt and how my Dad would have felt if he had been there with us.  My nephew Kaden read one of the readings and did such an amazing job.  He cried through the whole thing (as did the rest of us) but he pushed through and I just know he made his Grandpa so proud of him!  My Uncle Rick, with whom my Dad was so close, read the other reading.  My niece and I each did a eulogy which was so important to both of us.  We are so much alike and my Dad would have loved what we had to say.

At the end of the service, my Brother had planned to say a few words and thank everyone for coming.  My Mom actually stood up at the end and said she felt like she had to speak and had to let everyone know how much she loved my Dad.  She was shaking and visibly upset but she really was able to express her feelings for my Dad.  I don't think any of us thought she would/could speak but we were so proud of her for telling everyone that he was the love of her life and that she was devastated to have lost him.

The act of saying goodbye was both beautiful and heartbreaking.  It was lovely and lousy.  We all wanted to get across what a wonderful man he was but more than anything we wanted it to be a dream.  Wanted it to be a joke.  It clearly was not.  When we left the funeral home that evening I felt like I was leaving my Father behind.  I felt like we were leaving him there all alone and that made my heart hurt like it never did before.  I just miss him more than I thought possible.  I love him as much as I always did.