What now?

The funeral is over, everyone is back to work and their own lives and we are left to flounder.  We attempt to busy ourselves with things that absolutely have to be done and then things that just keep our minds off of our troubles.  It's never really enough though.  Even with all of the activity the pain is still there. 

Today it's been a month since he died. All day I kept looking at the clock.  "One month ago my Dad was alive".  By the end of the day I had to guess.  Was he alive at 2:30 or 3:00.  Surely not alive at 4:30 but maybe?  It was a cruel game I couldn't stop playing.   I tried to tell myself to stop.  Tried to keep my mind busy but wouldn't you know, the slowest day at work was TODAY! 

 I wonder how long this will go one?  How long will I play those tricks with my mind?  I often wonder if there was something that could have been done to change the course of events.  If I'd called him right before he died, would be still be here?  If I'd asked him to come out to the house to help us fix something, would that have tripped his fate?  If, if and if.  My least favorite word and my least favorite thoughts.